~A LOVE letter to You~ From a past rendition of me.Jun 20, 2023
I’ve been sitting with your words for the last day... the depths at which my understanding can comprehend have shifted many times. At first, the call out was surprising but I definitely understood that commodifying both “love and light” was just as bypassing as the commodifying “love and darkness.” I used to be a “breath more deeply and focus on the light”, one who only wanted to “focus on the positive” and “love is only this way” sort of person. What it created inside was a rift. A judgement, a separation where I couldn’t love myself for the other places deemed “not spiritual” because they weren’t perfect, pretty, dogmatically acceptable.
As I sat with your words longer, I was able to appreciate times when I have been seen in both my light and dark, truly acknowledged in my wholeness and capacity. Only recently have I been able to safely and lovingly see my “darkness” through the help of a coach, who has been a profound teacher for me from miles away through video. The term tat tvam asi (I am that too) comes to mind and in the acceptance of all of me a deeper understanding and deeper love for myself has arisen. I’m loving me in the yin and yang of this life, body, personality, and spirit. Loving you there too. Loving them there as well. It occurred to me, not mentally, but on a cellular level, very physically, in my body, that my judgment and lack of acceptance and momentary inability to be with what is was the creation of the separation and pain. Learning to expand my love greatly, through the door of self acceptance, I am able to love others as they are.
I sat longer and loved all the people in their journey through a non-dualist lens and just accepted the reality of another. Of others. Wherever they are in their spiritual curriculum, is where they are. Can I love them there? Can I love you there? Can I love me there too?
Yes, I can hold you there.
Dark, light, is there a difference? Is it offensive that people are in whatever process that they are in? What in me causes my judgement of how people make money or grow personally or what they believe? Whose way is the right way? I thought of the spiritual leaders that make millions. Does it invalidate them that they get paid to share any number of sacred texts under their own brand? Can I love me deeper in the places of judgment and righteousness? Is what they do truly offensive to humanity, my values, my beliefs? If I look deeper into the belief and resistance, turn inward and ask: what in me have I not accepted, loved, and integrated?
I blew apart a belief the other day that surprised me to my core. A big realization came after an experience that I had with a lover that was both beautiful and left us both in state of sadness and longing. A failed attempt at magical intimacy. He desired my surrender and I refused to let him in. I realized that I had created a disruption of flow by focusing on oppression and in my fighting the “patriarchy,” I am literally continuing to participate in the system that I wish to dissolve. Both in my mind and in the world. My perception. I create the patriarchy by giving it power and separating myself from it. In no way am I suggesting that oppression and discrimination are not valid or worthy causes to fight for. Equality and equity are worth every drop of blood. It was that I just chose, in that moment, to no longer fight the battle in my head but to approach it differently; to step to it in my power and a state of calm and focus, rather than fury.
I really want to thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings, for giving an opportunity to dive in deeper, to ask the hard questions and allow for an honest look. Your passion for humanity and your love can be felt through your words, through your authentic expression. Thank you for letting me love you more deeply in your truth, your vulnerability, in your NO. Thank you for living in your F*ck Yes, in your Sovereignty.
All of you is welcome here. You are invited.